Update

Thank you commenter ‘An older gal’, I appreciate your  thoughts and ideas.

I have struggled with an eating disorder most of my life, prior to being heavy.  I’m really trying to get to the bottom of why I feel I can’t control my binges or emotional eating.

This past year has been so difficult for me and I’ve been suffering from depression. I often don’t know how to rank my depression because I am aware that I am very fortunate, have a good life, and am still capable of enjoying much of it.

But in dealing with, and adjusting to, a lot of difficult challenges (my son’s autism, being just one), I have an underlying depression that has real symptoms. At the end of my day I feel comatose. Some days I have a crippling fatigue. And I eat like I’m an addict.

I have visited a psychiatrist and am now trying medication.

So far so good, it seems to be taking the edge off. Now I think I feel a little more capable of changing some behavior.

I have longer periods of energy and have been able to do more at the end of my days.

For example, tonight, we’re going to the pool. That will be some exercise…

One day at a time :-) 

One small victory…

I didn’t eat any chips or Cheetos today… And we have a bazillion mini-bags of assorted chips in the house, so the temptress was very close… Good job me.

On the other hand, when I went to put on my boy short pajama bottoms, I couldn’t figure out which way was front. My paunch fits, just as well, in the space molded for my bum, as my bum does.

Aaaaaah well….

Passive approach to life…

Hi M! I just realized who you are :)

I would definitely take full custody of my kids, because my husband can’t even take care of himself… That’s no exaggeration either. I’m sure he wouldn’t argue with that.

I am proud of what I have accomplished in life, but I generally feel like I have a mostly passive approach to all of my actions. I don’t take risks and I don’t push myself out of my comfort zone.

I am not afraid of change and I deal well with it, but I don’t initiate it.

Especially when it comes to relationships, friendships and boyfriends (and now husband) alike…

So I might be stuck for a while…

This week I am looking up a counselor for my husband and me. And separately a psychiatrist for me.

Last week, I went to a mental health seminar and I broke into tears when I tried to ask a question about how to reach my husband…

It felt so good. I need more of that…

Thank for the comments

It was nice to hear from you :)

I have been feeling so alone and hopeless.  Ironically, when I hear other people say that, I want to remind them that so many of us are in the same boat, and there are friends and family that love them.

Yet, I’m struggling to feel those comforts right now.

My son is wonderful and loving, but it’s also very difficult. I am learning how to deal with it and am getting stronger, but I look like I’ve been run through the mill. Every day feels extremely exhausting, like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I’m trying to document our journey with him on this website - http://www.sensorystevie.com/

My husband provides no support at all. I fantasize about having a different husband. And yup, this has been going on for a very long time. I don’t know how to approach this either. I’m terrified to initiate such drastic life changes upon myself and my children.

Where to begin…

My depression, I guess, seems like the most manageable …

I’m not sure what to do…

I am pushing 200 again. I just keep yo-yo-ing the same 25 pounds every year.

My son was diagnosed with autism and I want a divorce. The stress is too much for me, my eating disorder is raging.

I guess I feel so out of control, I punish myself by eating.

I need real help but am not sure where to turn.

I will be going to a mental health seminar in a couple of weeks and I’ve located an eating disorder support group but have conflicts on the next date.

With all that’s going on with my son, I can’t afford to pay for help.

I will get help, one way or another. I’m willing to talk about it and ask. No stone unturned…

again, I’m still here…

Someone actually commented on here and encouraged me not to give up.

I don’t ever stop trying…

I was blessed with a stomach virus a few weeks ago, thanks to my 2 year olds in day care. Most people wouldn’t feel this way, but I’ve never had anything like this before and it was a blessing.

It was short lived, only 24 hours, or so, of puking violently.

It was cleansing and got me back on track. 

Since then I have lost 10 pounds. I’m weighing in at 178.

A blessing. I feel much better and am tracking my calories again.

Tracking calories is key. I’m just not allowed to over eat and not gain weight…

Now I want to keep this going and take it further. I’ve been stuck here at 178 a bit. Feeling a little hungry… I have to keep those demons at bay.

I’m going to give myself a big treat when I get to 155 or so.

When I take off, even a few more pounds, I’ll take a picture. so that it is smaller than my last progress photo from ages ago.

I’m still here

Technically…but my head is out of the game. I’m back to old habits.

I haven’t tracked my calories since the summer and as a result have gained back 10 pounds. I’m weighing in at 187-ish.

The past two months have been crazy. My 2 year old twins have started day care and it has been great and mayhem combined. That’s just one thing…there are money issues…strained relationship (probably due to said money issues…) 

I’m managing my life well, but it takes such a toll on me mentally and physically.

I struggle to enjoy the good times (but I do enjoy them) and try not to think negatively about things unnecessarily. I try to keep myself in a positive frame of mind.

How I respond to things, mentally and physically, feel very out of my control.

Even how I respond to food. I wish there was a drug that made me feel the way I do 10 minutes into a bag of sour cream and onion Lays…

I am depressed

Ever since getting back from my vacation almost a month ago now, I’ve been feeling so sluggish, unmotivated, and generally in the dump.

I wish I could determine the trigger so that I could sort it out.

It could be the change of my routine since summer hit.

My husband and oldest daughter are both off from school and home all the time. Their laziness (which I guess they’re entitled to because it’s summer for them) is having a negative effect on me.

We watch more TV and eat more; the days are blurry and less structured. The lack of a, somewhat, structured schedule almost make the days go by quicker.

Huh, I think I just identified my problem while writing this (thank you blogging!).

I’m a control freak.
I don’t like my husband and daughter being so unproductive (the burden of all responsibility falls on me), it makes me angry, jealous, and feel out of control.

When the daughter and husband are at school and work, they look productive. They aren’t in my face while I work a 45 hour week, on top of purchasing groceries, manage the bills and multitude of doctor appointments we have going on.

I probably need to learn to manage my team better. I need some help. There’s no reason my husband shouldn’t be doing more and my daughter couldn’t help with some chores or something.

I need to start delegating … easier said than done, but I have to turn things around somehow.

Otherwise i could gain 10 pounds before summer is over. I’ve already gained 5!

Rut

I don’t know how to get out of this rut.

The demon still has a hold.

I went to my physical the other day and weighed 182 (I’ve gained 4-5lbs on this bender).

The last time I had a physical was a year and a half ago. I was happy to tell my doctor that I just lost 30 pounds. I was waiting for a congratulations, when instead, she said “you weighed 183” last visit.

That means that in a year and a half I gained and lost 30 pounds. That’s a crazy yo yo.

Is this some annual ritual I have?! What is wrong with me…

Holy cow, I just came off a week long bender!

I may have gained a pound or two but it’s hard to tell because its now that time of month. Being pre-menstrual could have been the cause of said bender.

This week hasn’t gone perfect but I have been able to stop eating by 8pm. And I’ve walked a lot this week.

Waking up at 6:50am is brutal, but it also feels great to get it over with in the morning. It is so nice and peaceful really early.

I walk with a friend and we are thinking about doing a couch to 5k challenge.

We may sign up for an official charity event in one months time!

I just might be able to get back on track!

Holy cow, I just came off a week long bender!

I may have gained a pound or two but it’s hard to tell because its now that time of month. Being pre-menstrual could have been the cause of said bender.

This week hasn’t gone perfect but I have been able to stop eating by 8pm. And I’ve walked a lot this week.

Waking up at 6:50am is brutal, but it also feels great to get it over with in the morning. It is so nice and peaceful really early.

I walk with a friend and we are thinking about doing a couch to 5k challenge.

We may sign up for an official charity event in one months time!

I just might be able to get back on track!